A Different Kind of Sandwich

Holiday celebrations have come and gone. Hopefully, so have all those tempting “goodies” that are generally shared during special occasions… and that you weren’t the one who ate them all!

I’m going to assume, since you’re reading this, that you’re heading in a positive direction with your dietary choices (or at least thinking about it). One that supports increased health, vitality, joy and connection with yourself and those around you. And raw food definitely can be an ally if this is your goal.

Here’s the thing. The cleaner and less processed the food is that we eat, the more we detoxify on every level and the clearer we become. I’ve found this to also be true with personal development work in general. And with that clarity comes a deep desire to live with increasing levels of integrity. You may already be noticing that some of your preferences have changed regarding what you enjoy doing and what is and is no longer acceptable in your life.

I’m speaking about tolerations – you know, those things we put up with because we may not even realize that we have a choice. Or maybe because they’ve become such a habit that we simply respond without much thought. Yet it’s one of the most common ways that we often short-change ourselves and damage our relationships with others.

Saying yes when we mean no is the quickest way to take a trip down Resentment Road. Yet some of us do it all the time. The scenario usually goes something like this: a friend or family member asks you to do something that is inconvenient or something that you prefer not to do. Instead of saying no, you agree to it either because you didn’t realize that “no” was even an option, you don’t want to hurt their feelings, or you don’t want to feel the pain that often accompanies the resulting judgment you fear will occur.

A personal example that comes to mind occurred when my husband and I were planning our wedding. Our families live far away and, shortly before our wedding, some of them announced that they would be coming to visit the week prior to help us. While we certainly appreciated the sentiment, it didn’t feel like the most convenient time to have guests. It was a difficult situation to be in. We didn’t want to offend them and yet having extra people in our home that we would feel the need to care for (which they may not have expected but it’s how we roll) didn’t feel like such a great idea to us. Our desire during this special time was to give ourselves the personal space to focus on the sacredness of our marriage ceremony while minimizing distractions. So after considering all of the possible options, we chose to offer to put them all up at a nearby hotel.

Whenever you take an action that goes against pre-established patterns, you can expect that some feathers might get ruffled. And in this case, we did sense some tensions. However we know that had we gone along with the initial expectations to house the gang for the week, it would not have been in alignment with our heart’s desires, and thus would have led to feelings of resentment.

So how do you keep an open heart and stand in your power when you have to tell people things that they might not want to hear? I’m glad you asked. It’s all in the way you deliver the message. A wonderful therapist named Joan Casey taught us a method to do just that; she calls it the “boundary sandwich” and I’d like to share it with you now because it’s been of such benefit to me.

It’s a sandwich because it begins with a positive statement such as an acknowledgement or appreciation (this is the bread), followed by some feedback or new boundary (filling), followed by another positive statement of acknowledgement or appreciation (bread).

So, using the example I shared above, a boundary sandwich could look something like this:

Thank you so much for offering to come and stay with us in the week leading up to our wedding to help with the preparation. And since this isn’t the best time for us to have guests in our home we would like to offer you accommodations at a nearby hotel. And we appreciate your thoughtfulness and desire to help us and look forward to spending some quality time with you at a more convenient time.

One of the reasons that this technique is so helpful is because it honors and expresses appreciation for the person we are sharing the feedback with, which makes it a bit more likely that they will remain open to what is being shared. It is important to note the use of the word AND when connecting the pieces of the sandwich and avoid using the word “BUT” since it essentially negates everything you said previously.

Keep in mind that any time you alter a pattern, especially if your tendency has been to be agreeable or generally acquiesce to the desires of others, there is likely to be some push-back or even hard feelings. Some may even consider your behavior to be “selfish.” But I have a different concept of “selfishness”.

The accusation of selfishness is often used in a manipulative way to shame or guilt you into agreeing to their wishes.

When I first learned this technique I was so excited to begin using it. My then teenage daughter had a habit of leaving the house a mess and it would ultimately end up with us arguing when she ignored my repeated requests to clean up after herself, especially in common areas like the kitchen. Although the words I chose to deliver the boundary escape me now as it is a decade later, I can still remember how empowering it was for both of us. Her reaction was positive and, in a way, priceless. My generally verbose teen became rather speechless and simply said, OK.  I walked away thinking, wow, that was easy. Because I acknowledged her before and after delivering the boundary she stayed open to what was being said without feeling criticized or judged.

What it comes down to is that each and every day we teach others how to treat us. And when we realize that we’ve taught them that our feelings don’t matter and can be disregarded, a change is needed. Although altering the unspoken rules may be a shock to the relationship, it is necessary to stand in our power and declare that our feelings are just as important as theirs.

Are you willing to risk feeling some temporary discomfort in exchange for more loving and authentic relationships? It’s definitely worth it and encourage you to give it a try.