Go Ahead, Eat with your Hands!

Author and life-coach Martha Beck once shared an assignment she gave to her college sociology class. She asked each person to come up with a situation in which they were guaranteed to create some level of disapproval from their families or friends. The more disapproval they created, the better the grade they would receive. The student who most excelled in the exercise sat down with her affluent and straight-laced family for the Thanksgiving  meal and proceeded to quietly eat it using only her hands. Think mashed potatoes and gravy! Everyone was clearly uncomfortable to the point of stony silence until dad eventually stormed out of the room saying “I can’t take it any longer.”

Through her willingness to step out of her comfort zone and experience and survive this extreme level of disapproval, this student subsequently found new courage in other areas of her life to act in ways that might not meet the approval of others.

Our interactions with family, friends and business associates can offer a gold mine of opportunities for us to step into our mastery. And what better gift to give ourselves during the holidays!

Alternatively, if we’re not careful, the extra obligations and expectations we have at this time of year can detract from the true spirit of the season and suck the joy out of us if we let it. Women especially can easily find themselves caught up in the need to please because it’s our nature to nurture. We say “yes” when we mean “no,” and avoid confrontation by remaining silent rather than saying something that another person might not want to hear.

We want to be liked and not thought of as being selfish. Although “selfish” to me says more about the other person’s desire for you to do what they want you to do. Note to self – more about that in a future post!

We are so afraid of the disapproval of others that we are willing to give up pieces of ourselves in order to be liked. Each of us has experienced versions of this throughout our lives. I know that I certainly have.

What I want you to understand is that by simply noticing our behaviors and interactions with others, we have the opportunity to see new possibilities and create outcomes that are more in alignment with our values. For example, do we feel obligated to spend money that we don’t really have,  purchasing gifts for family or friends because it’s what we’re expected to do? Or, do we give gifts from our heart because it brings us joy to spread love in this way?

Do we accept invitations to events because we enjoy the company of those who invited us, or because we feel some sense of obligation or underlying belief that they’ll be angry with us or won’t approve of us if we make a different choice? In truth, nothing really obligates us to eat Aunt Agnes’ fruitcake. It’s a personal choice.

An essential first step is to calibrate your own “moral compass.” What behaviors do you consider to be in alignment with your values, and which do you consider inappropriate? In each case, your response must come from consulting with your own inner guidance. True guidance can only come from within your own heart; it can’t be found by seeking to emulate some role model or (most importantly) by looking for outside approval.

With this new awareness comes freedom from slavery to the expectations of others. You get a piece of your life, and your soul, back! It’s physically and emotionally exhausting to act without integrity, which you do every time your actions are not in alignment with spirit. Even something as simple as saying “yes” when you really mean “no” can be draining. “No” really is a complete sentence. Try it, you might like it!

Can you think of a way you can intentionally try on the concept of receiving disapproval and being OK with it? You can even set up a situation that will guarantee some amount of criticism will come your way: share your intention with a group of your friends. If you come back without a story, your disapproval will come from them.

Once you have discovered that a little disapproval doesn’t have much impact on your feeling of self-worth, you have gained the freedom to follow your heart with renewed clarity and strength.

If you’re willing to go out on a limb and do the disapproval exercise, remember to have fun with it. I’d love to know how it went so please drop me a line and share your story.